Why We Lose Ourselves and How IFS Helps Us Return
In the last article, we explored how healing happens when protectors at the control panel trust the Authentic Self enough to let us witness and unburden the exiles they’ve been guarding. That is the path of recovery. But before we go further, it can be helpful to see the bigger picture: how and why we lose touch with the Authentic Self in the first place.
Sometimes words alone aren’t enough. So let’s look at a simple illustration.
Beginning with the True Self
We all begin life connected to what I call the True Self — whole, open, playful, creative, and naturally connected to others.
This is our natural state. Nothing is missing.
The Birth of the Shame Identity
But as we grow, painful experiences leave their mark. We may hear harsh words, feel rejected, or have our needs dismissed. Slowly, these experiences form what I call the Shame Identity - the collection of painful beliefs about ourselves that say we are not enough, not safe, or not lovable.
Here, the True Self is still present, but it is hidden under layers of shame-based beliefs.
The Rise of the False Identity
To protect us from feeling the pain of the Shame Identity, other parts of us step in. They construct a False Identity - the mask we show to the world, shaped by the manual we inherited about how to be safe and accepted.
The False Identity looks like who we are, but it is only a set of survival strategies. Beneath it, the True Self is still present, buried under the weight of shame and protective roles.
How IFS Aligns with This Illustration
This simple picture of circles also aligns beautifully with the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. Let’s translate the language:
True Self = Self
At the center of everyone is the Self - calm, compassionate, connected, and whole. It is never damaged, never destroyed, always present.Shame Identity = Exiles
The Shame Identity corresponds to the exiles in IFS. These are the younger, wounded parts of us that carry the pain of rejection and the burdens of shame-based beliefs.False Identity = Protectors
The False Identity corresponds to the protectors. These are the parts of us that manage, guard, distract, or control in order to keep the exiles hidden and to prevent us from feeling their pain.
Just like in the illustration, the Self is always there at the center. It may be hidden, but it has never left.
Why This Matters
Seeing it this way helps us recognize that losing our sense of Self is not a flaw or a failure. It is simply the way our system adapts to the unhealed pain of unresolved trauma. The Shame Identity forms when, in an effort to survive unmet needs or undigestible pain, we exile parts of ourselves that feel to vulnerable to expose to overwhelming pain. The Shame Identity is an assumption that there is something about us that deserved to be abandoned, rejected, humiliated, blamed, or othewise hurt, neglected or abused. The False Identity forms to keep us functioning despite the threat of further injury. And beneath the busy-ness that a painful unresolved past creates, the Authentic Self gets buried but never disappears.
The IFS model helps us reverse the process:
First, by pausing to notice the False Identity at work.
Then, by turning toward the protectors with compassion and appreciation for their intention to help. This restores trust between the Authentic Self and protectors which is crucial for healing.
Next, by witnessing the pain of exiles and helping them let go of all they’ve been holding including the pain energy and shame based beliefs.
Finally, by restoring the qualities of the Self that were lost along the way including freedom and joy.
Gaining access to the quailities and resources of Self is a process that begins with the recognition that we all have parts that are trying to help us survive. When you pause and bring attuned attention to your activated parts, they relax because they no longer feel alone and because they begin to feel understood and appreciated. And when they do so, the quailities and resources of Self naturally emerge.
Looking Ahead
This illustration helps us see both the problem and the possibility. We lose touch with our True Self when shame and protective roles take over, but recovery is possible because the Self never goes away.
In the next article, we will explore what it looks like when the Authentic Self begins to lead more consistently — and how that shift ripples outward into your relationships, your work, and your community.
The Self you long for is already here. It may be hidden, but it has been waiting patiently for the moment when healing makes room for it to shine again.
