The Weight You Carry
Understanding and Resolving Emotional Discomfort
Imagine your capacity to cope with everyday stress and challenges as a backpack. Each unresolved emotional wound or past trauma is like a heavy stone placed in your pack. As these stones accumulate, your backpack becomes heavier, using more of your strength just to carry it, and leaving you less capacity to handle the new challenges you encounter throughout the day.
Understanding and resolving these "stones"—unresolved emotional experiences—can significantly lighten your load and increase your ability to handle life's inevitable ups and downs. But how do you begin? One powerful approach is through exploring the automatic reactions you have to emotional discomfort.
Let's walk through an exercise designed to guide you through this exploration, step by step. I recommend journaling your thoughts and answers in each step. I’ve provided suggested time spent on each step.
Step 1: Describe an Uncomfortable Activation
Think of a recent moment when you felt emotional discomfort. Maybe it was a sudden wave of anxiety when your boss sent an unexpected email, or irritation when your partner said something critical. Clearly recall this event. Take up to three minutes to describe what happened that triggered your discomfort.
Step 2: Describe the Blended Discomfort
How did you know you were uncomfortable? Notice your emotional state—perhaps anxiety, fear, anger, or sadness. What were the physical sensations? Maybe your chest tightened, your stomach churned, your heart rate quickened, or tension built in your shoulders. Recognize also any nervous system symptoms like increased alertness or a strong impulse to escape.
At this step, just acknowledge and describe your discomfort without analyzing your reactions yet. Take up to two minutes to discribe the symptoms of your discomfort.
Step 3: How Many Ways Did You Manage This?
Next, list out all the ways you tried managing this discomfort. Consider both actions you took and those you thought about but didn't act on. Maybe you distracted yourself with social media, snapped at someone, tried deep breathing, or contemplated reaching out for support but hesitated.
Take up to two minutes to describe all the ways you tried to manage your discomfort.
Step 4: How Well Did These Strategies Work?
Reflect honestly on each strategy by answering these questions. Take up to one minute for each bullet point (four minutes).
Did any of your strategies resolve the discomfort? How confident are you that you won’t experience the discomfort again?
Did any of your strategies provide temporary relief to your discomfort? These strategies probably feel very familiar because you have to repeat them every time you feel this kind of discomfort.
Did any of your strategies help you distract so you could ignore the discomfort? Just as with the previous question, these strategies are probably habitual because they continue to be required to manage predictable and repeating discomfort.
Did any of your strategies stop or escape what seemed to trigger the discomfort? At first glance, what happened seemed to have caused your discomfort. But you’re powerless to control all that happens in life. The effort to manage external triggers can be exhausting!
Step 5: What Were You Left With?
After your attempts to manage your discomfort, what remained? Perhaps lingering anxiety, guilt over your reactions, exhaustion from the effort of managing, or confusion about what happened. Take up to two minutes to capture your reflections as you recognize the emotional residue.
Step 6: What Insights and Awareness Came From This Exploration?
Reflecting on your experience, what new understanding do you have about your automatic reactions and the discomfort itself? You might notice patterns—certain feelings repeatedly emerging or particular strategies consistently failing. Recognize how automatically your reactions unfolded without conscious choice.
Take up to two minutes to describe your insights.
Step 7: What, If Anything, Are You Called to Do With These Insights?
Lastly, consider if this newfound awareness invites you to action. Perhaps you're drawn to learn healthier coping strategies, seek professional support, or explore therapeutic modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS) to address and heal these underlying emotional wounds.
If you’re already familiar with the IFS model, you may consider listing all the parts that became activated in the circumstance and begin getting to know each of them. This exercise has helped you notice the influence of your parts, each of whom have a story to tell.
Take up to three minutes to describe what you will do with your insights.
Taking Action with IFS
Exploring your automatic reactions in this structured way can illuminate how much of your daily capacity is consumed by managing unresolved emotional experiences. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a powerful method for addressing these "stones" in your backpack. It offers compassionate, structured ways to acknowledge, understand, and heal these burdens, gradually restoring your full capacity to engage freely with whatever life brings.
Remember, your discomfort isn't chosen; it's automatic—a clear indication of past emotional wounds needing attention. By addressing and resolving them, you lighten your load, increasing your capacity for resilience, peace, and meaningful living.
Here’s a link to a guide for getting to know and understand your activated parts.
