Pause for Internal Safety
I posted my article, IFS and The Work of Byron Katie on Reddit and received the following comment.
“Thank you for this post, very helpful and aligns with how I have felt about Byron Katie and IFS.
Quick question - I still suffer from a highly stressful relationship where (part of me) feels blamed, shamed and criticized. What do you recommend in the immediate instance to do to calm parts down & to create safety for your system? My option is to do a (Judge Your Neighbor) worksheet, but as you say it doesn’t always align with parts, especially when fully blended.”
Such a good question! Here’s how I answered.
Pause. Remove yourself from the activation as soon as you can. It helps to set this up in advance with a conversation that informs your partner of your intentions. Something like,
"As you know, I get reactive with you sometimes. I don't like how it feels and I don't like how I act when that happens. So, in the future, I will practice pausing long enough to come back and reconnect."
Whether your partner agrees or not, disconnecting from the activation long enough to unblend will make it possible for you to stay in connection with them - because it will help you reconnect with yourself.
After you pause, find a safe and uninterrupted space. Grab a notebook or journal. I know you probably want quick relief - but the quickest route to peace is to slow down.
Attempting to do inquiry while still highly charged can be difficult. There have been several times over the years that the parts that held the beliefs that were causing my suffering wouldn't budge. In fact, they seemed to dig their heals in even further when I attempted an inquiry.
When I understood that I had parts and that they are all trying to help in some way, I shifted away from an agenda to change the belief using the four questions and turnaround, to getting interested in the part that influenced me to have the thought in the first place.
Let's look at how we can use both models to get to the truth. You are feeling blamed, shamed, and criticized. If you were to do The Work on your suffering, what would the thought be? Since you can't answer in real time, I'll assume it is something like, "They don't understand me."
Asking, “Is is true that they don't understand you?” may elicit a defensive response. When we recognize the thought comes from an activated part, rather than challenging the veracity of the thought, you might want to start with journaling about all the ways you suffer when you think the thought. In other words, answer question three of the Byron Katie method, “How do you react when you think that thought?”.
Then consider, if this thought causes all this suffering, what purpose could believing the thought possibly serve?
Continuing to journal, take your attention inside. Focus on your breath for thirty seconds and then ask to connect with the part that believes the thought, "They don't understand me."
Ask all your other parts to join you with curiosity to see if they can learn something new about this part.
If you are writing in a notebook, use separate pages for you and for the part. Or, if typing, use different fonts or colors of font as you begin to dialogue with the part.
Ask, one of the following questions (go with the one that feels intuitively right):
-What would you like me to understand?
-What are you trying to accomplish?
-What do you do for me?
-What is your role in my system?
Keep your focus inside and listen. Notice if you have a "figuring out" part that wants to answer. If so, ask if it can let you hear directly from the part that believes the thought, "They don't understand me."
Unblended
You will probably notice by now that you are beginning to unblend. You may notice now that you feel more calm, more centered, and more grounded. Continue dialoging with the part with questions like,
-How does believing this thought help (or how is it supposed to help?)
-What are you worried, concerned, or afraid will happen if you don't help in this way?
-What more would you like me to understand.
Follow your intuition and curiosity as you continue to explore. Then, if the part is open to an exploration, use the four questions and turnaround from The Work of Byron Katie (thework.com).
Do you have a question for me about how to use The Work or IFS? I may post your question along with my response here on my blog. Comment below or send me an email. Bill@BillTierneyCoaching.com
