First Steps on the Recovery Path: Living Into Your Authentic Self
In the last article, Reclaiming the Real You: Letting Go of Old Manuals, we explored how the manuals we inherited can keep us trapped in roles that no longer serve us. Letting go of those outdated instructions opens the door to reclaiming our authentic Self. But that raises a new question: how do we begin?
Recovery doesn’t start with a dramatic breakthrough. It begins quietly - in pauses, in moments of curiosity, in choosing compassion over criticism. These first steps may seem simple, but they are powerful. They form the foundation of living into your authentic Self.
The Power of Pausing
You may be in the habit of trying to control yourself - forcing yourself to be the person you think you should be. Most of us adjust how we show up, depending on who we’re with. We try to be who we need to be. But, if you’re trying to be yourself, you’re not actually being yourself. Instead, parts of you are shaping how you show up in order to gain approval or avoid rejection.
Recovering your authentic Self doesn’t come from control. In fact, it begins with the opposite. When you feel parts of you reacting to life’s circumstances, pause. Notice what’s happening inside. Notice the impulse to be acceptable. Notice the urge to guard or protect yourself.
Simply pausing with curiosity shifts you out of the false identity and closer to the authentic you.
Why Pausing Helps
Imagine that in your mind, there is a control panel like the one in the movie Inside Out. Your parts are there, responding to what is happening around you. They push buttons, slide levers, and turn dials that influence how you react.
If the most dominant parts at the panel are still burdened by something that is unresolved from the past, they view what is happening now through a distorted lens. Their thoughts and feelings are misaligned with present reality. They blend with you so you react in ways that don’t match what is happening now. They try to protect you in ways that once made sense but no longer fit.
When these same parts are free of those old burdens, they see things as they are. Their unburdened influence helps you respond in ways that reflect present reality.
This is why pausing matters. When emotions rise and clear thinking slips away, the pause interrupts automatic reactions. It creates space for awareness. In that space, you can turn toward the parts that are scared, angry, or hurt. Your curiosity and compassion let them know they’re not alone. You can ask them, “How are you trying to help?”
When they sense your authentic curiosity and compassion, they relax and allow you to see things as they are.
That simple shift is what IFS calls the U-turn. Rather than reacting to what is happening around you, you turn your attention inward to notice what is happening inside. This helps you meet the events of your present life through a clear lens and respond as the fully resourced adult that you are.
It’s never too late to pause. Even when things feel overwhelming, you can step away for a breath, do a U-turn, and check in.
Every part that reacts from the past is trying to help, even if its efforts create more pain. Remembering this makes it easier to respond with patience rather than frustration.
Often, these parts are younger, carrying wounds from a time when the resources you needed weren’t available or safe to reach for. For example, one natural quality of your authentic Self is playfulness. But if you learned that being playful was dangerous, you may have lost touch with that resource. Without playfulness, life can feel heavier than it needs to.
When you bring compassion to these younger parts, they begin to soften. They no longer feel they must carry the full weight of your adult life. In that space, the wiser, more resourced version of you can step in.
