The Gift of Complaint

Marty: Welcome everyone to the True You Podcast with me, Martin Kettelhut. I'm an executive coach and this is my partner in this podcast, Bill Tierney,

Bill: Hi everybody.

Marty: and, and tell them what you do.

Bill: I am a compassionate results coach. I'm certified IFS practitioner. I help people, um, discover what it is going on inside that stops 'em from having the life they already want.

Marty: Awesome, and we're gonna talk today about one of those things that prevents people from having the life they want, or check it back of just being their true self. I.

Bill: Yeah, this is just one of the things that that could, could block that, and could get in the way. Currently reading the Gift of Our Compulsions by Mary O'Malley. And, and so something about her languaging has gotten into me. And, and now I'm thinking of our topic, uh, in, in, uh, of complaint. I'd like to talk about complaints.

Marty: didn't actually say it. The topic is complaining.

Bill: Right. But I think I wanna call it the gifted complaint. And my hope, my aspiration for this conversation is that by the end of it, we will see what a gift complaint is. So let's see how it goes. We don't have an outline, but I did have an experience this morning and very likely we'll have an experience this afternoon after we're done recording. I have a women's group in the morning and I have a men's group in the afternoon, and. With, um, with the women's group, we happen to have one of the, the times, one of the sessions that we have every single month. We have an open discussion, open exercise opportunity, and that's usually inspired by something that one of the women in the group shares during their check-in check-ins are brief. One to two minutes to this morning, it was two minutes a piece, and, and I, I wrote down six or seven different potential topics that we could use to discuss. During our group, we, we have a 90 minute group, and so I read off the topics that I'd written down to the group and I said, what does anybody have a preference for? Which one of these we, we focus on? And then of course, we'll play improv. We're gonna, I'm gonna improvise some sort of an exercise that, that will help us to explore, wrap our minds around this, this topic. And the request was for complaint, which is really the one that I wanted too. Which is great. And so I had everybody take three minutes and, and focus on one single complaint that they have about their lives and describe it. Giving that part of themselves that really influences them to, to, to feel like complaining, giving it full permission to vent. In that three minutes, say everything it wants to say, but the only limit was it's gotta happen within three minutes and you write it all down. And that's what they did. And, um, from there, I just opened up the room and we had some discussion about it. So let's, let's kind of do that now.

Marty: Hmm,

Bill: Are you willing or to, to, to do this with me today,

Marty: sure.

Bill: Okay. Alright.

Marty: complaint about my life.

Bill: It could be about your business, it could be about anything. Anything related to your life could be the country you live in. Could be the state of relationships, of money, of anything. Whatever is alive inside that feels like a complaint. So if, let me just ask you then, rather than journaling for the next three minutes about that, if you were to just give permission to whatever part feels the safest to reveal during a a, a podcast that others are gonna be listening to, to give permission to the part of you that has that complaint. What would the complaint be? And then what? And then if we heard from that part of you, what, what would the part like us to know about what it has to complain about?

Marty: Um, as my mind is going to, problem solving, uh, you know, well, of course you have a complaint, but you could do this, or that's just the way it, like, I'm, I'm my

Bill: That's part of the conversation. Fantastic. Just notice now

Marty: Okay.

Bill: when you give permission to a part that wants to complain, other parts jump in that wanna fix it. Is that what I'm hearing from you?

Marty: I guess that's right.

Bill: Yeah, parts that wanna maybe discount that it's not really worth complaining about. It's not something that we should complain about. We should take action. So I'm hearing that. What else? What else are you hearing in reaction to the idea that you might even express a complaint at all?

Marty: that complaining is, is not a gift, but it's, um, it's a sort of like a distraction from being here and, and being effective.

Bill: Yeah. Okay.

Marty: You know Well, it complained just seems like, oh. I don't know, like you're, you're on the road and you're getting somewhere and you, you just parked the car for a second. I'm gonna just sit here and complain for a moment.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: so I'm making myself wrong, I

Bill: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Marty: taking a complaint.

Bill: Right, right. So one aspect of your psyche wants to say you're wrong to complain.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: It's a, it's a waste. It's not efficient, it's not useful, and it's not right. Something like that. Yeah.

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: And yet you still have this part in you that feels like if it was left alone and if it had full permission without interference to complain, it would, I would certainly like to complain.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Am I right? Yeah.

Marty: Yeah. Yeah.

Bill: And so I don't know that it's necessary for you to reveal what it ever, whatever it is that you wanted, that you would complain about. Okay.

Marty: I got a plenty. I, I'm actually got a couple of them. I'm happy to share at least one.

Bill: Let's just use one and, and I wanna encourage the listener, if you wanna go along with this and actually unwrap the gift of complaint yourself, then pause this recording, take three minutes and give that part of yourself that wants to complain, an opportunity just to vent. Now, you may like Marty. Notice that there's parts of you that won't let you do this, that, that think that that's breaking some sort of a rule to actually complain. But if you can do it, if your parts will let you do it, take three minutes and com and describe that complaint and then come on back and listen to part, what Marty has to say about his, the complaint that he's gonna focus on. All right. So what is that complaint, Marty?

Marty: They're pausing now. They're un pausing. They come back.

Bill: Yeah, here they are.

Marty: My complaint is that my parents waited too long in life before they had kids, and so they died early. And I have a big portion of my life with no parents. And if they had had kids earlier, you know, our ages would be closer and I'd have to, I'd have had more time with them.

Bill: Oh, okay. That's an interesting complaint. This part Wanted more time with your parents. And, and one aspect of its complaint is that it's already figured out why you didn't have more time with your parents, and that is that they waited too long before they had you. Yeah. Okay. This is a great example. Okay, so that is the parts complaint. Now notice how that lands for the rest of your system. Is it okay that that part of you got a voice just now?

Marty: it's not. Okay. He didn't mean to make your life miserable. What right do you have to utter this complaint? Why can't you be with them in spirit, et cetera, et cetera. There's all kinds of other parts. Speaking up.

Bill: Right, and, and each of them would like to have a voice as well, wouldn't they?

Marty: Oh yeah.

Bill: So already we've touched on the magic of the internal family systems and the exploration that comes from it when we, rather than pushing down, resisting managing. Our parts and how they influence us. Rather than doing that, instead embracing them and getting curious about what it is they have to say and what their concerns are, we actually have an opportunity to begin to resolve an inner conflict or an inner friction that otherwise exists. Just giving permission to this part of you that complains about not having enough time with your parents. Creates an inner friction or at least illuminates an an inner friction or conflict. That's, that's probably been going on maybe since they died or since they got sick.

Marty: No, it came a little bit later because at, at first. Uh, you know, I just took it for what it was and then I realized like, whoa, you know, my people my age still have their parents and yet mine are already gone. So it came, that came later.

Bill: Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, so we have parts in conflict with each other. Is that, is that obvious to you in this conversation?

Marty: Um. Yeah, there are many. Yes. Mm-hmm.

Bill: Many parts that are in conflict with each other around this topic?

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. So what the IFS model wants it to help us do is to build. Trust-based relationships with every single part of our system, especially those parts that are suffering the most or that are so extreme in how they protect that they, uh, that they keep the suffering going, even though that's not what they intend to do. They intend to somehow protect, but in fact they end up keeping the suffering going. One, one great example of that, and that's not present here, but one great example of that is the inner critic. If you have a part of you that's CRI criticizing you on the inside and your thinking and being hard on you, it's actually trying to protect in some way. And we'd have to ask that part exactly why criticizing you would benefit and PR and protect you somehow. But very likely if we asked, what we'd hear is some version of, if I can criticize Marty, then maybe he will modify his behavior so much so that people on in the out outside world. Won't have anything to criticize. He'll correct it before people in the outside see it. So I'm protecting him from external criticism by criticizing him internally. Each of these parts that are reacting, even in this scenario, are doing so because they believe that what, what they want and how they can help is the best thing for you. They're trying to help every single one of 'em. That's just that they disagree on how to go about doing that. Yeah, so if we wanted to know, if we wanted to build a trust-based relationship with this complaining part, the part that that blends with you and then influences you to feel its complaint, we would need to actually get permission from all the other parts to do that. Otherwise, they're gonna make it impossible to hear from that part on the part's, not gonna be able to feel safe enough to, to transparently, vulnerably reveal itself.

Marty: Uh, those other parts probably want their own day in court.

Bill: Yep. And so what if you were so committed to building trust-based relationships with your parts that as those parts reveal themselves and raise their hands and saying, yeah, I want to be, I want an opportunity to, to be heard from as well. What if you were be, were willing to commit to doing that, to spending time with each of them? So here's the question to ask, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna go back to the listener. Now. Here's the question to ask all of the other parts in your system, are you willing to let me get to know the part that wants to complain? And just notice what happens when you ask. Are you willing to let me get to know the part that wants to complain?

Marty: Mm-hmm. They are.

Bill: They're all willing. Fantastic. Now, I, I guarantee you, and we had at least two people out of seven this morning that had parts that were saying, no, am not willing.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Uh, and as we began to, for the others, as we began to try to get to know the part that was complaining. Other parts got triggered by just the conversation of it. So they, they thought they were willing, those other parts were thought they were willing to just let us get to know the complaining part. But then once we started getting to know it, then they got activated and they had to get involved. They wanted to, and that's how we knew that they were no longer okay with it.

Marty: I see that might happen, but I think all of the, my other parts that are related here, they subscribe to the theory that complaining separates from truth.

Bill: Yeah. And yet they're willing to let us know the complaining part.

Marty: For that reason, they're willing to let us.

Bill: Oh, what is their hope?

Marty: That will, that the truth will be revealed and, and that inside of that all will be well,

Bill: Wow.

Marty: be more effective handling of life.

Bill: Sweet. It's a great setup. It's a great context for being able to have this conversation. So now let's pause for just a second because not everybody out there that's listening here is, is gonna have parts inside that are saying, yeah, this is a great thing. Let's, let's get to know this complaining part. So the truth is revealed.

Marty: And like I said, my parts might, might have a reaction once we get into it anyway.

Bill: So if you don't, aren't getting a yes like Marty is, you're getting a a, a sense of concern. Or maybe it's a clear voice in your head that's saying, no, hell no. We're not gonna go, we don't wanna get to know this complaining part. It's a problem. We're not gonna spend any more time with this part. That's what we think of in IFS, internal Family systems as a concerned part or a reaction, reacting part. And those parts need our attention too. So we kind of have to negotiate. Do they need our attention now or are they willing to trust you that you will give them your attention later?

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: That's one way to approach the concern and reactive parts. Another way is to ask them, what is your concern right now? And see there's an easy way for you to address their concerns, not, in other words, I'm not saying. See if there's a way for you to trick them into letting you do this. I'm saying really pay attention what is their worry, concern, or fear? And then see if something, if, if you're called to respond in a way that's got integrity, that's honest, that's self-led,

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Bill: take a moment and do that. If you have a part that's concerned about you getting to know the complaining part, then pause this long enough to ask that part that has the concern. What is your concern, worry, or fear? Then just listen and write down everything that you hear, and when you're ready, come on back. Okay. I'm gonna assume you're back. Now. You must have paused the video and you came back. Hopefully you took some time with that concerned part. Now that you've listened to the concerned part, it may be willing. Now it might be willing to let you spend some time getting to know the, the complaining part.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: It may not. It may be need to be the part that you learn about. And if that's the case, then these questions I'm about to ask apply to that part.

Marty: Okay.

Bill: Okay? So we're still good, Marnie.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Okay, so ask the complaining part. Is it willing to reveal itself to you? Is it willing to let you understand it better?

Marty: Yes.

Bill: Okay, great, great. So given that it's willing to be understood, what about, what would it like you to understand?

Marty: Who like me to understand that? We could have that. There was a lot that we didn't, my parents and I had a ways to go before we really understood each other. Um, there are conversations that we didn't get to have. There's, um, a, a level of, yeah, I think that's, that's, that pretty much says it, you know, like. And in fact, that's part of the reason why I didn't come to see this I didn't come to have this complaint right away because at, you know, when they first died, I thought, well, you know, I was in the of just like, well, we didn't, they didn't understand me and um, didn't understand them. That's, that's where it stops. And then what, you know, so that's how I related to it at first. Then it took till later. Then, oh, wait a minute. they, I have this discrepancy in our. You know, our time on earth because they got, they didn't have children till later, so that's when that developed. But for, you know, for the, when they first died, I was just in that we don't understand each other. This is a shame, you know, that they passed and we didn't get to have these conversations.

Bill: Maria, I just wanna check in with you as you're speaking for this part. It feels to me like you're speaking very accurately for the part, but would you check and make sure that, that that's the case? Does the part feel well represented with the words that you've just shared?

Marty: Yes.

Bill: And if you were to name an emotion that this part holds as it's blended with you,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: that emotion be?

Marty: Regret.

Bill: If, yeah, so this part feels regret and when it blends with you, you feel regret.

Marty: That's right.

Bill: Yeah. In this moment you're, I can tell detached enough from the part that you might be sensing it's regret, but it's, it's regret and not yours.

Marty: That's correct.

Bill: Yeah. Isn't that interesting

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: the listener? If you're going along with this exercise and you've asked your complaining part to ex, if, if, if it's willing to let you understand it better, and then if you've asked it, what do you want me to understand? And it's answered in some way. Now ask yourself, what is the predominant emotion that I feel when this part blends with me, and whatever that is, it might be anger complaint often is accompanied by anger, like an unfairness, uh, and um, an injustice. It might be sadness, it might be hurt, it might be, it might be fear. There's something underneath all of this that's unresolved,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: thus the complaint.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: So notice too, once you've identified what is this feeling and you've found some words for it, just notice that that is what that that part is feeling, and that if you're detached enough from the part so that you're compassionate and interested, but not so blended, that you actually are the part. Then you might actually be able to have some, some compassion for this part that has a loss or a complaint or a, a fear or an anger, or a sadness or a hurt.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And now, now that you're aware of that, notice you also have the capacity to be with a part that maybe has some big feelings.

Marty: Yeah. Well, that distinction that you just made between. The parts feelings and me who could get blended, that already takes a lot of energy out of the complaint for me to be able to see like, oh, that, that part, I am not it. there is that part of me that, you know, that these issues weren't resolved of my parents. But already to be able to put it in that way, I am. I'm not a complaint anymore.

Bill: And Marty I, that, that's, that's powerful. Right? And that, that, that's even, even if that's where this ends, there's a gift there, isn't there?

Marty: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Bill: Yeah. But it doesn't need to end here. Are you still interested in the part that has the, the complaint

Marty: Yes.

Bill: or now that we know it better, we can stop calling it a complaint? It's not a complaint, it's a regret.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: However, the part might have felt like it needed to persisted in complaining to you so that you'd start paying attention and it could get the understanding that it's been needing all along.

Marty: Yeah. Well, and also, and I don't, I don't know if this is typical or not, but, but why it first comes, came. About as a complaint was that that part was pointing at mom and dad's, you know, not getting around to having kids till later in life.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: now there's this other part of this part that it sees. Well, I just, I really regret not having more

Bill: Mm-hmm. In a way, it seems like maybe having this conversation by, by having this conversation, by, by creating a space that that is a container for the conversation. The part now is understanding itself better.

Marty: Yes, that's right. Mm-hmm.

Bill: And how do you feel toward the part that has up until now occurred to you as a complaining part?

Marty: I have compassion for that part. I wanna say something like, deprioritize that part. It's now that I see what's going on with it, like it's not. The most urgent thing, you know, like, that might be there in me, but like, I don't, it doesn't need to get resolved for me to, you know, have a good day.

Bill: I am wondering if the part feels like it's less urgent now too than now. Now that it feels a little more understood. Can you go inside and check

Marty: Yeah, it's not urgent. The, the part is admitting, no, it's not urgent. It's, it's just sort of like a, you know, one of those that you can put on a spotlight to cast light on the stage.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. So that's a shift for this part, isn't it? That it felt a little more urgent before it felt understood,

Marty: Yeah,

Bill: or it understood itself as much. So does the part feel more understood? Let me check that out too. I don't wanna, just to assume that's true.

Marty: it doesn't, it hasn't, maybe in a but it hasn't really gotten to, you know, issue its complaint fully.

Bill: Well then let's give it an opportunity to do so. What more would the part like you to understand?

Marty: that I really, I really adore my parents, each of them, and that's not the way we left it. Like we left it with, you know, like. Them worried about me getting my life on track and, and me trying to show them that, you know, my, my way of doing life was right and good and okay. And so, you know, like that do adore you. I really am grateful to you and. And, you know, I want to spend, you know, more time with you so that we, I understand you better and you understand me. I mean, I found things that they had saved. wanna ask them about like, what was the, this little box that you, it looks like you took a cigar box and you lined it with velvet. What was that about? You know, or, or, my dad's, he left these notes. He filled two of these things of his.

Bill: Legal pads.

Marty: Of his thoughts about his life and it's kind of, there are things that come up there I never got to ask him about because I just found those in a drawer after he was gone. That those are some of the things that the part wanted to say.

Bill: Yeah. And, and if, if, if we're gonna use coaching language that hopefully meets what the part is saying and the part would agree, I'm gonna ask you to check to see if it does, it feels unresolved or un incomplete. About, about the passing of your parents.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: yeah, it just seemed too, too soon.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. All right. You understand the part a little bit better now. Does the part feel a little more understood?

Marty: Yes, it does.

Bill: Yeah. And is there anything that the part would like from you? Just ask the part and wait for an answer. Is there anything the part wants, needs, or would like from.

Marty: Yeah, it wants me just, just to acknowledge them and connect with them. Like, you know, I don't have a really good picture of my mom up in the house. I have one of my dad. Um, but, you know, get a picture of mom, put it somewhere so you can see her more often and spend time, you know, maybe during my prayer time to connect with them on a regular basis. That's what the part wants.

Bill: Are you willing to do that?

Marty: Yeah, sure.

Bill: How's that for the part to know that you've heard its request that you're gonna honor it?

Marty: It's like a pig in shit right now.

Bill: What a gift.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Its complaint has been

Marty: Yes indeed. Yes, indeed.

Bill: a gift of complaint. Now. What a beautiful experience you just had with your part. And I'm guessing that the relationship that you have with this part is probably gonna shift a little bit. Now, I wonder if the part in the future would trust you to listen without it actually complaining if it has something else to say to you. Maybe complaints the way it needs to happen, but is there another way you'd like to hear from the part if it has something to say to you?

Marty: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, like just a request or an observation that would be, that would my, it would encourage my.

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: When I feel I'm complaining, I kind of just go, that's not productive.

Bill: Yeah, you just pushed away. So now. There's parts of you that push that away.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Those are the parts that said, yeah.

Marty: To pay attention to later.

Bill: The parts that were okay with this exploration just now, without, with, with getting to know this part, they hope that the truth would be revealed.

Marty: Right.

Bill: we got permission instead of pushing away, they were hoping that the truth would be revealed.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Bill: So I wonder if they can also change, are they, have they seen enough to be willing to change how they go about interacting and, and relating to this part that has been complaining?

Marty: Yeah, definitely they are.

Bill: Yeah. So maybe they don't need to push that part away anymore.

Marty: Right. It feels like they've all gone off to do other things. In fact. They, I don't even

Bill: Where do they go?

Marty: what they look like.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Well, thanks for indulging that process. I just wanna acknowledge that also, uh, we invited the listener. I did, I invited the listener to go along on this journey. Marty, you had a pretty seamless experience there. Very beautiful. Um, you and the part got along great. The part trusted you. You've done a lot of internal work to create an internal environment where this is, this is possible. Without, without a lot of battle going on inside. While, while you're attempting to get to know a part, others who have aren't more, aren't as accustomed to this depth of work that you've done in the past may have experienced an inner conflict and inner battle at even just trying to get to a part enough and create enough internal safety to understand that part.

Marty: And it also depends on sort of like the weight of the complaint that we're looking at.

Bill: That. That's right. That's right. But, but here's my assertion and that is that underneath each complaint is a gift to, to actually unwrap that gift though we need to understand the part and embrace it compassionately with curiosity. And if we're not able to do that, then whatever part blocks our ability to be curious and compassion, that's the part that needs our attention. And if when we attempt to give that part our compassionate, curious attention, we're not able to do that, then we need to go to the part that's blocking that. And you just keep going until you get, if you can imagine three concentric circles and in the center this, the center circle represents who you really are.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: this gets back to the true self conversation, the true you, the center circle represents the true you, who you really are whole, perfect, complete. The moment at some point in your life, usually for, it's, for most of us, it's very early on. Not all of us experienced adverse childhood experiences and trauma, but every human being I've ever talked to at some point decided there, there was something wrong with them. And the moment that happens and that that idea that there's something wrong with me is embraced, is valid and true. We form what I call the shame identity. So that's the second concentric circle. Circle. And once we realize, and because we believe that what we made up about ourselves is true, that if the rest of the world find finds out too, now we're in real trouble. 'cause if the rest of the world knew what I just figured out about myself that there's something wrong with me, then I got no chance. Nobody's gonna wanna be around somebody like me. So now we form a third layer that I call. The, the false, uh, excuse me. The, the, yeah, the false identity, which is a protective layer of, of who we show up in the world as so that nobody ever figures out what it is that we're ashamed of about ourselves.

Marty: It is and it that in my work what's called a secret identity. Um, and there's a lot of work. It's not only that you put up a wall, but you e every day there's work to be done to keep people behind that wall.

Bill: Yes. Now, if we bring the IFS model in and, and talk about the parts, that false identity is made up of managers and firefighters, protectors that either try to prevent bad things from happening, like people finding out what's wrong with us. Or that react once, once we suspect that people have figured that out or something, once something bad does begin to happen, the firefighters put that fire out, they react in some way. The managers try to prevent the things from happening. So those are, those are the two kinds of parts that make up that false identity. And, and it's often those parts that are doing the complaining, they're the ones that are trying to accomplish something to, to continue to hide the shame. And by the way, sidebar, even though the true you still exists, that center circle still exists. The busyness around the shame identity and false identity can be so great that we've forgotten completely about our wholeness, our completeness, and our perfection.

Marty: Yeah, just say, you know, some, times it's really hard to get. Uh, you know, the, the, it, it is also a very energetic, the false self, as you call it, is, is very energetic. It's very interested in keeping itself, um, uh, preserving itself and as separate because it doesn't wanna be seen. And so. Um, you know, sometimes I'll, I'll put my finger on it and the client will just, you know, like, no, no, no, no, no, for sure. And I can tell by all the energy

Bill: Yes.

Marty: we've really hit, we've really hit it. And, um, and then, you know, I'll point it out again and they'll go, I don't know. Or they'll just not say anything and then I'll do it again and again. And finally they're like, oh my God, this thing is everywhere. Oh my gosh, my, this is running my life.

Bill: In order to get there, I'm sorry to interrupt. I hope you can pick up the stream again, but I really wanna point out what we talked about earlier is that detachment where you recognize that a part blends with you and you begin to feel what it feels and think what it thinks, and when you can get a little bit of space and, and get detachment and, and then, and then observe the part rather than be the part. That's what's necessary in order for the client to say, oh my God, this is everywhere. They have to be separate from the false identities to be able to see it.

Marty: that's right, that's right. Well, I'm, I'm, I'm always doing, I almost always very aware to their truth at the same time that I'm pointing out this thing that they think is that, they become blended with.

Bill: Yes.

Marty: You

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: so I'm, I'm saying, you know, look, George, are one of the nicest people I know, and this part of you is saying that you're mean. that interesting? You know, and so they've got,

Bill: Mm-hmm. Yeah. You help them detach so they can see it. Yeah. Great.

Marty: mm-hmm.

Bill: that, that's our work. That's the kind of work that you do. That's the kinda work that I do is we help people recognize that who they are convinced they are is not who they are.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And that, that, that's good news. That all that effort that they put into presenting to the world in such a way that they're not beat up, not hurt, not criticized, and not, not scared to death, not loved all the effort that they put into preventing all of that from happening is actually what's blocking them from realizing that that who they really are whole perfectly incomplete.

Marty: And it, and it's not you, you use the word that they're convinced that they are, and I, I, I, I am. I don't mean to be. But there was, it was not like, there was, you know, an argument made and they agreed. They got convinced like that.

Bill: No. No.

Marty: And I know that's not what you meant, but it's important I think, to point out, because that's also not how you disengage from it either by convincing yourself that you're not, that that's, that'll

Bill: That isn't gonna work either. Yeah. Yeah.

Marty: work.

Bill: a million affirmations a day is not gonna get break through that false identity. The, the illusion that who I am is who I've presented myself to be in the world, or who I am is who I'm trying to hide from the world.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: It's not gonna break that.

Marty: right.

Bill: What will break it? Is compassionately embracing with curiosity, those parts of us that populate those two zones of the false identity and the shame identity, build relationships with them enough so that, as Theodore Roosevelt said, once they know we care about them, then they care about what we know, which is that who I really am is fully capable. Who I am as resourced, who I am as love.

Marty: Theodore Roosevelt, where did that come from? He doesn't

Bill: Theodore Theodore Roosevelt said, people don't care what you know until they know that you care.

Marty: Ah, I

Bill: And I've just converted that into parts. He didn't. I don't know if you know about parts or not.

Marty: Very good. Very good.

Bill: There it is. I think we've un unwrapped the gift of, alright, one more time. I wanna come back around. Why am I talking about these three different layers? It's because the complaint is gonna come from the populated area of the false identity. Or the shame identity, it can come from either area. The shame identity is made up of parts that if FS calls exiles, that might just say, I'm alone, I'm stuck. I'm scared. Two protectors, like managers and firefighters, they wanna just say, shut up. I don't care if you're scared. I don't care if you're alone. I don't. I don't care if you're stuck. My job is to make sure nobody ever figures it out. So if the louder you speak exile, the harder my job is. So shut up. And to, so in other words, to, to these managers and firefighters, an exile statement of fact, I'm alone. I'm scared, I'm stuck, I'm hurting, feels like a complaint.

Marty: Hmm. Hmm.

Bill: Whereas a manager and a firefighter might be expressing complaint with an agenda if I complain loud enough, like this one that got your attention today. If, if I can complain loud enough and often enough and frequently enough. And if I don't ever give up, maybe someday. Martin is going to listen to me and I'm gonna be able to tell him what I really want him to know, which is I miss mom and dad.

Marty: I wanna, reiterate a suggestion I made many episodes ago, that the Loving Parent guidebook that's put out by the adult children alcoholics, um. Is a, um, a great way to begin to hear complaints and other sorts of communications from within, um, apart, and to take an interest in them rather than, um. To stuff them away or to try and, uh, you know, just give them a pacifier you, you become that the, you, your own loving parent of, of these parts that got stuck somewhere in childhood.

Bill: If you wanna check that out, if you wanna get that book and you wanna check out Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Go to adult children.org. That'll be in show notes. And by the way, if you're not from an alcoholic family, but there was dysfunction in the family that you grew up in, this program may be for you. In my opinion, uh, one of the purest 12 step programs there are that that does approach recovery from compassion and curiosity rather than shaming, blaming, and scaring.

Marty: Right, right. I agree with that completely. Mm-hmm. Yep.

Bill: uh, we need to wrap up, Marty, but can I just ask you now, what's the impact of doing this exploration with your part that had regret?

Marty: Well, in a way it feels, it feels like my parents are waiting at the dinner table for me tonight. Like

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: they're back in my life in a way, you know, uh, it's not over. And, um, that's really delicious. That's, that's rich.

Bill: How lovely is that? And I wanna suggest too, that regardless of the experience that the listener had, whether you were just listening and following along with the work that Marty did and the comments that we both had to say about that ex, that process and that experience, or if you actually did the work and you may have found yourself getting, you know, stirring up some stuff. Inside a complaint often is, like I said, at the very core, it, it's coming from a part that really wants your attention, really wants you to know and understand something. But if you're not accustomed to embracing your parts and, and approaching them with curiosity and compassion, you might feel you might be feeling stuck. It might feel like this was up upsetting to even participate in it, in it all. And, and if that's the case, I just want to encourage you to be supported in a couple of ways. If you're interested in learning about the Internal Family Systems model, there's a ton of, uh, videos on YouTube. Richard Swartz is the creator, and if all you do is watch Richard Swartz, um, um, YouTube demonstrations. Of IFS or explanations of IFS, that's gonna be helpful. Uh, another thing that you can do is come to my free pro bono 90 minute, four times a month group to practice learning about and practicing the internal family systems model. It's called Parts for Practice, and we'll put this in show notes as well. Parts for practice.com is how you find out about when those sessions are and, and how to join. So if you're interested in, if FS. If you wanna get some relief from this inner battle, this inner conflict, this inner inner friction that's been going on, if it's going on for you, just know it's going on for all of us to some degree, then check us out@partsforpractice.com.

Marty: those complaints that have been there for a while. You know, you, you recognize like, oh yeah, I've been complaining about this for a while, uh, for a long time.

Bill: I have a part complaining that I'm giving, not giving myself enough time to, to prepare for my men's group. So, Marty, I need to wrap this up. Thanks for being so generous and vulnerable and, uh, allowing, uh, trusting me and, and allowing, allowing me to, to work with you today. I, I so appreciate that.

Marty: You are welcome.

Bill: Till next time. Huh?