Impatience

Bill: Welcome to another episode of the True You podcast. I'm Bill Tierney. I'm a compassionate results coach. And this is Dr. Martin Kettelhut author and executive coach. Yes. And so Marty, uh, put out a blog article this morning, uh, in his newsletter. Um, maybe it's not a blog article. You have a blog, right? Does this land in your blog?

Marty: Blog, Substack article newsletter, like it is all one for me.

Bill: The, uh, article is getting a lot of reads and justifiably so, uh, the couple of unique things about your article, um, the name of the article, impatient. Great. One word, grabber. Uh, and secondly, you, you say right in the article, Hey, I used AI to help with this, but you also said. But there was something missing. Let's get into it. We only have about 30 minutes for today's episode. Let's get into it. Talking about ai, talk about impatience, and really the message of your article.

Marty: Yeah, so just on the notion of ai, because it's not really the central theme, but it's interesting. Um, I, I, I. I'm not an expert on this, but I suspect that why that wasn't part what, why my, the, the central observation that I think is the real coaching in the article didn't come up with from AI is because it's. It's heart centered, it, it's not just facts, right? It's, it's a, it's based on feeling and it's about our feelings and, and why, and it's a really difficult one to feel too,

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: recognize that when you're, it's that old thing where if you're pointing the finger, it's somebody there, three fingers pointing back at you.

Bill: Hmm.

Marty: that kind of thing. If you are being impatient. Well look at what's going on inside you. You know, it's, it takes patience to be with people, to be with machines, to be with anything in life. And so you are being impatient that there's something else going on, and that, that's what AI didn't point at. And that I think, is the real value that a coach brings that an a, that an artificial intelligence can't.

Bill: I have a great example that we can use a real life example. Impatience.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Would it be helpful to do that, you think? Is that, can we talk around that? So I, um, my wife and I have been saving up some money. We got our house paid off last year, hallelujah. And we just took all the money that we'd been putting on toward a mortgage and we started putting in a savings account. Recognizing that this 23-year-old roof, is it that right? Yeah. 23-year-old roof that we have is gonna have to be replaced soon.

Marty: an old roof.

Bill: Yeah. And, uh, so we've been socking money away since last June, and, and we're getting to the point where we can start getting some bits. Now we can start learning what's it gonna cost us to do this? How, how close are we in, in saving? How much more do we need to save and can we schedule it? So I, I must have been speaking loud enough for. AI to hear me, uh, because all of a sudden I'm getting, um, roofers ads on Facebook as I'm scrolling through.

Marty: It's amazing. Yes,

Bill: It's incredible. Well, I, I went to a couple of them and realized, yeah, I, I don't, I don't think these people are, are even local. Um, but I found one that I just felt good about and so I went ahead and filled out the form, signed up for a, uh, an estimate. Well, that was supposed to happen yesterday at 1215, and I was very impressed with the, the, uh, communication the day before. Hey, we're looking forward to seeing you tomorrow for the estimate on the roof four hours before. Hey, we'll see you in about four hours. This is gonna be,

Marty: gosh. I that annoying. But anyway, some people need that.

Bill: I, I appreciate it. I, I don't bug people that much, but I do remind people that we have appointments and there's a reason for it. I, I don't want to show up on Zoom for an appointment with a client and have them forget. I, I, I've got my time pretty well structured up, structured out, so I appreciate it even an hour before. Hey, we'll see you in an hour. This'll be great. See you then. So, 1215 comes, I've, I've opened up my calendar for this. No estimator. 1230, no estimator. 1245 no estimator. One o'clock I finally send a text to this friendly bot that's been sending me texts and reminding me that they would be here 45 minutes ago. And I say, where's the estimator?

Marty: Uh.

Bill: And then the response is very robotic. Oh, sorry for the confusion, which, you know, a robot doesn't understand that that's gonna elicit frustration in me.

Marty: Right,

Bill: I'm not confused. You might be, but I'm not confused.

Marty: Exactly. I've gotten those two.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah,

Marty: sorry. We're for, for that. We confused you. I'm like, I'm not confused.

Bill: right. Exactly right. Sorry for the confusion is what they said so that it could be that they were confused, but still, I, I'm not completely convinced I'm talking to a bot on text or if it's a real person. Um, and so I come back and say, uh, well, they were supposed to be here at 1215 and now it's one o'clock. So, um, oh, excuse me. It was, it was 1245 at that point. I said, and so, uh, I need to know how far away are they? Am I gonna have time or do I need to cancel the appointment? Um, let me get right back with you. 15 minutes go by. I haven't heard another thing that's, and so they haven't gotten right back to me in my opinion. 15 minutes is enough time to get right back with me.

Marty: That. Yeah. Anything more than that is not right.

Bill: So I text and I say, um. Sorry, I'm gonna have to cancel the appointment. I have other appointments and I don't have time now to meet with them

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: uh, oh, I completely understand. Have a nice day. Okay. Super great. Disappointed, little frustrated. But during, during the time that I'm waiting, I'm, I'm getting like little, uh, hits of frustration and impatience, and then I'm able to regulate and calm, calm myself down, and use the time productively for other things that I, that I can be doing.

Marty: Right.

Bill: But it still bothers me. It really bothers me that we've got this appointment that I've been reminded. It's, it's like this big mystery now. I finish, um, a group yesterday at um, three 30 and at three 15 at pickup pulls up. I can see right out my window to the street, out front pickup. Pulls up two guys in and I think that wouldn't be them. This is three hours later that no way that, that, sure enough, they sit in their truck for a little while and they wait. And they wait and they wait and they wait, wait. And then just as I'm saying goodbye to my group at three 30, they come up to the door and ring the doorbell like a minute early. And, and I'm thinking, I'm just gonna let them wait. Of course I'm gonna finish my group first, but they wait and I finish my group and I finally go to the door. And I'm not angry, but I, I'm mystified and I really wanna know what's going on. What? So I say, um, uh. Where were you? Where have you been?

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Uh, after he introduces himself and shakes my hand, and he said, well, yeah, well we, we actually been here for a while. We, we got here 15 minutes ago. And I said, yeah, I know I saw you out on the street there, but, um, you know, when you set an appointment, I think it's good to be on time. He said, well, I apologize. I, um, I had it at, at three 30, but apparently the, the appointment was at three 15. I said, no, the appointment was at 1215. You're three hours and 15 minutes late. And so he said, oh my God, I've hired a marketing company to help me with all the communications and with the scheduling and uh, I'm so sorry. And so he apologized. He owned it, and he says, that's on me and I understand completely if you don't have time to talk right now, and we can reschedule, or it's my loss, whatever. So he was great about it really as a human being. He was great about it, but I experienced little bouts of. Impatience that hit me and then went away and then hit me in the, but when I was talking to him on the porch before I let him in the house, I, uh, I was feeling that anang, I was feeling the anger behind the impatience.

Marty: Sure. Yeah.

Bill: So there's my long, windy story to that we can kind of work around now, given the points that you made in your article.

Marty: Yeah. I mean, I, I include, uh, uh, other examples, um, that I was familiar with from recent encounters with people, uh, and myself. But it, yeah, there's that underlying, there's something else that we bring.

Bill: Yes.

Marty: That, that has us anxious or upset or unwilling in some way to deal with the, you know, the delay. Um, and so that, you know, the, the, the coaching is to take a look at, well, what is that? You know, so that, so that you can heal that and then be with people, um, accordingly.

Bill: Heal it. Resolve it.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Yeah. He like returned to wholeness,

Marty: Right, exactly. And so then

Bill: the wholeness

Marty: you know, the practices that, uh, AI came up with

Bill: separately. And here,

Marty: know,

Bill: um.

Marty: I, I amended them. I augmented them because they're focused on. The one person who's got the impatience, and I wanted to broaden that, like, you know, to, to, to, look at, I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. not focused on the one who has the impatience. They're focused on how to deal with somebody who's, IM causing you impatience.

Bill: Yes. Right.

Marty: wanted to, to make it more

Bill: You wanted to turn it back around.

Marty: Yes, attend to, you know, the, the, the person that you're waiting in line behind is having trouble getting their money outta their purse, maybe 'cause they're holding a child. And, and the groceries too, like maybe you could help

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: but also look at what is it in you that's, that's causing you to, you know,

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: this perfectly in innocent person because they're in

Bill: Can we go through your bullet points? Is, would that make sense to do identify triggers, I believe is your first bullet point.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Yeah. So coach me, use, use my example. And you just offer some coaching.

Marty: One, one of the, it sounds like you identified it already. You run a tight schedule and you know, if they say they're gonna be there at 12, then they need to be there at 12, or it throws off your day,

Bill: Well, and, and, uh, because I've opened up that spot and they didn't show up during the win during that window, then I don't get what I wanted, which was to know what it's gonna cost me to have this roof replaced, at least by this particular company.

Marty: yeah. Yeah.

Bill: By the way, I've got my phone nearby. I'm gonna probably get a whole bunch more ads about roofing now.

Marty: I mean, I was in the, I was in the, um, drug store recently looking for A shaving cream and there's certain chemicals I don't wanna put on my face there's, or into the environment. And so, you know, I, I had been to two, three stores and the smell is really important to me, you know, so I hadn't found what I want. So I walk into this natural g uh, pharmacy and. And, immediately the wo the womb was very kind. She's like, may I help you? and I am, I got annoyed like you because I had, I was bringing all of this prior experience to it and I was snippy with her 'cause she was too nice, you know? And, and, and I just wanted to figure this out on my own, I guess. And, um, so I got triggered and, and then I could tell, like, she was like, well, what is your problem? What, you know, who shot in your Wheaties kind of thing? And I immediately noticed I was having that effect on her. And I said, look, I'm sorry I, I'm coming into the store with all this previous frustration and you do not deserve that.

Bill: Nice.

Marty: said, I sure don't.

Bill: Oh, good.

Marty: And I said, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. And now here's, here's my story. Here's what I'm working on. And, and she was very helpful from that

Bill: Mm-hmm. Oh, good. That's a great story. I love it. So we've identified the trigger. For me it was, I was afraid that I wasn't gonna get what I wanted and I was impa. I was impatient and frustrated that I'd set aside the time and was disappointed that, that they hadn't shown up during that period of time.

Marty: Right. Right.

Bill: And I, by the way, I suspect there's something deeper too, but let's just continue here.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Mm-hmm. So acknowledge your feelings.

Marty: No there is. There always is. That's a good point. There always is like that's connected to some larger purpose that you are, or commitment that's getting thwarted in that moment of impatience. So there is always an underlying, that's, that's where that I. Anish anger, like energy comes from impatience, is there's something, there's a plan or a commitment that you, or maybe a long-term purpose that is being thwarted in that moment that, that the delay happens and that's why we get fiery about it.

Bill: Yeah, and from I, in IFS terms, that's gonna be a protector. Usually it's gonna be a protector that's coming up with that anger, angry because, uh, for me, in my system, the anger is usually there because there's a sense of powerlessness and anger feels powerful. And, uh, gives me a sense of control and, and power and, and then I don't have to feel that helplessness. I don't have to feel the powerlessness, which is an uncomfortable state of being powerlessness.

Marty: Oh my God. It's the most uncomfortable state of being there is, I think.

Bill: This particular protector, I think I probably already know, although I haven't connected and asked the protector directly. But I'll be able to sense it as soon as I say this, whether I'm understanding or not, or not. I, I, I believe that this particular protector is, is a stand for being respected

Marty: There you go. Right.

Bill: and the reason this protector's so invested and so, so maybe even extreme with its, with its response to someone making a mistake and not showing up for an appointment. Is because it's trying to protect a part of me that feels so disrespected or felt at some point in the past, so disrespected.

Marty: Exactly, exactly. And in my story, the underlying commitment was to using natural products. Right.

Bill: Yep.

Marty: It, it wasn't just about, you know, having to go from one store to another. It was be I that was all motivated by wanting to use natural products. Mm-hmm.

Bill: Well, and as you said to the, uh. Uh, the helper, um, I, I can't remember the, the title you gave her, but the employee at the store. Uh, this, I brought this in with me and you didn't deserve it. And she, it sounds like very assertively agreed with you yet. No, I did not. And, and, uh, I could say the same thing if I was more clear. If I'd been more clear.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: boy, I'm, I'm sorry for the energy behind all this anger. I brought it in with me from about 60 years ago.

Marty: Yeah, exactly.

Bill: Okay, we ready for the next bullet.

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: acknowledge your feelings. And this, this, by the way, is reminding me of, of, uh, nonviolent communication, which I'm currently listening to. Again, Marshall Rosenberg. Uh, acknowledge your feelings is really, really important and that there's a big difference between feelings and thoughts, and many of us, and I, I'm better about it now, but it used to be true for me that if you asked me how I felt, I would tell you what I thought.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: I feel so, so I feel impatient that even that may not be a feeling.

Marty: Hmm.

Bill: I feel impatient gets close. I think it, it's almost like impatient is an interpretation of why I feel the way that I feel.

Marty: I agree. Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, it's a higher order. Clustering of a bunch of feelings.

Bill: Yeah. And of course, depending on the situation, it's, it's not always important to have to, um, you know, break it down in, in clear detail. What is, what is the feeling, what is the thought, but, but having an understanding that I feel a particular way and usually the way that I feel and, um, emotionally is, um. It is actually felt, the sensation of it's felt as energy and physical physicality,

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: but there's a cognitive part of it too. I feel this thing happening in my body right now because, because.

Marty: Right. That's right. Yeah. It's reminding me, uh, yesterday I, I'm in the middle of switching insurance companies, health insurance companies. 'cause I found a way to save a lot of money. But the new broker is. Kinda all over the place, and I get impatient with her at times. And, and then she's got three or four different assistants depending on what issue you're having that she'll, you know, delegate to to you about that problem. And I had been, uh, I was, I was getting frustrated and, but I was transferred to one of these sisters and I said, look. I have a very limited amount of time and I need to get this piece of information and you're being very nice in trying to get to know me and, and be a great of great customer service and I appreciate that, but I just need this number and to get off the phone as soon as possible. And she said, okay, Mr. Kettle Hutt. I understand. Here it is and here's my number in case you ever wanna call back.

Bill: Beautifully handled. Well done. Very well done. Yeah. I'm laughing here just because I'm remembering how bad I was at customer service back in then when I was in retail grocery. Oh God. I was bad and, and part of the reason I was bad is 'cause I was just so impatient and, and the reason I was so impatient was because in my mind what was important was let's get the work done.

Marty: Well, this is, this reminds me of a, of, of an old problem that I haven't had in, a while. But when I was in graduate school, I was very impatient with everybody because I was trying to this profound thinking, you know, philosophy and every. Everything was an obstacle to me. Just being able to sit and think clearly about the things, everybody annoyed me. I was with everything, and the underlying conversation for me was, I got important things to think about and you're in my way.

Bill: Yes, yes. You're giving, you're just, you're, uh, you're bothering me with all this petty stuff, like speeding tickets and

Marty: Right? Or just, you know, doing the laundry.

Bill: Right. Hauling wood. Yes. Okay. Uh. We, we tackled something here that's beyond the time that we have to really cover adequately. We've only got maybe 10 minutes left here. Um, let's go on maybe to reflect on your experience. Tell me about that. About what's important about that bullet point.

Marty: Well. there's a before and a middle and an after to that to answer that question. Um, when you reflect on your experience, then you've got, you, you, you've got like a, a precedent for the next time something like this happens. Like, oh, feeling impatient. Is this like that? Or is it like the right so that you can. Reflecting also in the middle of the experience to step back and reflect, gives, just give some space to

Bill: Oh yeah.

Marty: to see what's going on. So I, that's my answer.

Bill: I see. So well, um, just hearing your answer reminds me of how important it is, uh, and, and how much time I want to spend. I don't spend as much time as I'd like to with my clients. Talking about how important it's just to pause, especially when there is an internal trigger. When you notice that something's happened inside and a and a part of you that's got maybe. Uh, an agenda from the past shows up to, to fulfill on that agenda in the present,

Marty: Yep.

Bill: to pause and recognize, okay, something's happening inside. There's some discomfort here. I'm, I'm actually becoming misaligned with what's really going on here. And as you did in the drugstore, you recognized by the look on the woman's face maybe, or how she reacted to your rudeness that, oh, there's something going, going on inside. So you reflected

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: did that out loud in real time, which was beautiful.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: But, but this is, this is where my mind went, went, is that when we become activated, if we can just pause and do what Viktor Frankl wrote about and talked about.

Marty: Yep.

Bill: Just pause enough to separate from the experience and, and then notice that there now is a space in there from which we can choose. You chose to apologize and to acknowledge that you were being rude and, and it changed everything.

Marty: And one of the next bullet points is about practicing, pausing or meditating even.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: Um. Regularly so that that space of reflection is always there. Right. You're, it's, you don't have, you don't, you don't have to fight the the, the, um. Heat of the moment for some reflection. It you've, you're just always in that, you know, in that detached place in relationship to what's going on so fast in front of you. And, and so if you've been practicing at that, you're more likely to, to have less of a lead jerk, knee jerk reaction.

Bill: You know, I've been calling that space the mid conscious, and I just made that up. I, I, I, the reason makes sense to me, to call it the mid conscious is because that most of my parts seem to be living in my unconscious

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: and, and, um. So I'm living my life as consciously as I am, and when I become conscious of the influence of a part of me that, let's just say is activated by something that's happening in my current life, if, if I want to create that space, uh, it's, it's often nice to be able to just meet them and. What I call the mid conscious. So they, they come out of the unconscious. I I, I meet them in the mid conscious. We, we, using my imagination, we, we have a conversation. We connect with each other, and I, and I begin to understand, and then here's the point I'm hearing you make, and I love this point. Uh, I, there's actually an, uh, an exercise. In one of the workbooks that I'm writing called The Sacred Space, where we create that sacred space and establish that as the meeting place when parts become activated to meet, um, to have parts myself that are self energized or self-led, meet with those parts that are struggling or reacting and ba basically mediate, negotiate, connect, understand, really address whatever concerns are, are, are coming up. And I love what you're saying, let's go ahead and establish that ahead of time rather than at the hardest time in the world, in your pos, in your life, when you possibly could try to do that.

Marty: it's hard to expect if you don't have it, you know, as a practice already, it's, you're not gonna be able

Bill: No. No. You're not gonna be able to do it when, when, otherwise you'd, you'd be road raging or screaming at the drugstore attendant or, you know.

Marty: Exactly right. Or pulling your hair out like you and I have done.

Bill: Right. Uh, let's do, go to slow down. Are we already, are we already Uh,

Marty: part of, that's part of

Bill: yeah.

Marty: point about practicing. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Bill: Set realistic goals.

Marty: Yeah. W you know, I, I think that's profound and that's a piece of AI that noticed that, um, uh, in other words, it's out there in the literature, but, uh, yeah, I, you know, because Oh, as I'm saying, you know, it's ultimately in you. And then the, the, the impatience starts. If your goals are realistic, then, then you don't develop that impatience with yourself. Like, how come I can't do this? Well, it's unrealistic, you know.

Bill: Well, or how can, how come people can't keep their commitments? That and often is unrealistic as well. In fact, sometimes it takes the experience of having someone make a commitment and not keep it before you realize that's what's realistic and at and at that point, you, your expectations might change for that particular person or. Maybe that's, that's a prompt to, to have a conversation with them and say, Hey, listen, when you make a commit to me, commitment to me, it's important that you keep it. Otherwise, I, I, I'm not willing to continue to negotiate collaboration with you.

Marty: This comes up a lot in my executive coaching. You know, people I coach expecting way too much of themselves in their. that they work with or their bosses expecting way too much of them and I'm just like, well, then don't do it. You know, like, don't tell me that you're gonna do this coaching homework if you're not. Like, be in integrity.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And.

Marty: This one guy, he comes to every coach and goes, starts with I'm sorry late, that he didn't do the homework, that he didn't even think about what we talked about last time. like, well. Maybe now's not a good time to do coaching. No, no, no. I don't wanna live this life. Okay, then, then what's, you know, what are you gonna cut out or do you know faster? Or you know, like what,

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: gimme a clue as to how this is gonna change.

Bill: got, you have a client with a racket,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: I'm sorry, is the way that rackets gets itself away.

Marty: Yeah, exactly.

Bill: I'm the guy that doesn't keep my commitments and there's something I'm looking for from it, but I'm not consciously aware of it, so I need to do some exploring so I can find that, I'll make commitments to, to do work between sessions, but then I'll come back and I'll be late for the session or I'll miss the session or I will not have done the work and I'm, I just get to show up. Sorry. And that something about that is valuable to me. It, it gives me something.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: I'm not sure what it is 'cause I haven't slowed down long enough to explore it. But I've been doing it since I was two.

Marty: Right. Yeah.

Bill: Those are the, those are some fun conversations to have, but they're hard to get into. Speaking of that, we've got just a few minutes left here. I wanna acknowledge how edgy you have been in your writing lately. Uh, by that I mean you're just kind of pushing the, you're pushing the envelope a little bit. You're, you're getting right to the edge of comfort for a lot of, of readers and I, and I think that that might invite a little more interest than the whole hum. Let's be nice and talk about what everybody talks about, articles that, that maybe I have a tendency to write. Let's be safe. Let's not fluff any feathers. That, boy feathers are fluffed everywhere right now, aren't they?

Marty: That's the thing, you know, it's like, I know I'm not gonna be able to, not fluff feathers. So let's dive in head first.

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm a little concerned about your client who might be listening to this podcast.

Marty: Oh, he doesn't have time.

Bill: You might wanna send him a copy of this. We do need to wrap up, uh, you know, and, and let's not make the commitment like we have in the past that, oh boy, there's so much more we can talk about. Let's do it again later. Because we don't really have the structure in the place. We're not really reliable to keep our word on that. And I just wanna acknowledge that right now that we have, I have, you have, both of us have in the past said, you know, let's, let's do this again. Let's talk more about this in a, in a future episode. And then we never get back around to it. And there's a reason why we don't get back around to it because every time we, we get together to meet.

Marty: We got more to talk about.

Bill: We have more to talk about. We're living life boots on the ground and feeling challenged by whatever's being presented, or we're excited about what's been happening with our clients, and that's what we wanna be talking about. We wanna be following up the passion that's that's leading us right now into the next moment.

Marty: But we could put a link in the show notes to the articles.

Bill: Please do that. Yeah. Let's, let's go ahead and do that. So if you're listening and you'd like to read the rest of the article, which I highly recommend, look for a link in show notes. And if, as, as you're listening here, if you have enjoyed this conversation, please like. Uh, the podcast and share it with your friends, and, and let's get, help us to get some more listeners. We we're both committed to making a difference in the world and, and have fun while we're doing it. So

Marty: Absolutely.

Bill: until next episode, Take care, Marnie.

Marty: Bye.