Repairing Ruptured Relationships
I’ve been married 3 times. In my first two marriages I experienced a lot of pain, misunderstanding, resentment, and arguments. The relationships didn’t work. I also struggled to connect with my kids through the years. I wasn’t a great father to them.
Learning to break the patterns
On my personal development journey, I noticed patterns of behavior that showed up over and over again to sabotage my relationships and success. Learning to break those patterns and create new beliefs and behaviors has completely transformed my life. I’ve been married to my current wife Kathy for nine years and we have a loving, fun, and connected relationship.
We enjoy special relationships with our kids and grandkids. It’s a life I never even dreamed of during my younger years.
I married my first wife, Lori when I was 22 years old. She was a beautiful young woman who I loved as deeply as I was capable of loving. But I lacked the self-awareness, communication skills, and maturity needed for a healthy and functional relationship. I was insecure and jealous of anyone or anything that stole her attention away from me. I was sure that she would one day realize what a mistake she’d made when she decided to marry me. I made myself (and her) crazy with my fearful and future based fantasies of betrayal and abandonment.
The Pattern
After we had been married for 12 years, Lori died of a brain tumor. Two years later, I remarried. Although I had broken my addiction to alcohol nine years earlier, I was still far less than mentally and emotionally whole. My second marriage lasted less than 10 years. My new wife struggled with her own early life trauma and drug addiction. Together, we presented a nice picture to the world but behind closed doors, we were in constant conflict. We drove new cars, built a new house, and shopped at Nordstrom. But we were both filled with anxiety and resentment and blamed each other for our unhappiness.
After my second marriage, I was convinced that I was incapable of having a healthy relationship. I made a commitment to do my own work, believing that the only way to be happy and healthy in a marriage was to be happy and healthy with myself. So, I dug in. I read books, learned to meditate, challenged my thoughts and beliefs, and surrounded myself by people who were doing the same thing.
Success
Twelve years after I ended my second marriage, I met Kathy. Because of the work I did, Kathy and I were a good match. And because I continue to do my personal development work, our relationship has grown. Some of my old patterns have surfaced in the time we’ve been together. My beliefs and assumptions sometimes cause breakdowns in our relationship. But when they do, I turn my conscious attention inward and take responsibility for what I have contributed to the breakdown.
This is a great first step toward repair. Acknowledging the breakdown and cleaning up my mess is a skillset I continue to fine tune. The work I have done helps me become curious about my reactions rather than allowing myself to blame her for my discomfort. The result has been greater trust and intimacy in our relationship.
Because I have found effective methods for healing and growth, business and personal relationships work for me today. I feel connected to the important people in my life and have relationships built on trust and respect with my clients, peers, and friends.
What changed?
I mentioned that I do my inner personal growth and development work. But what, you may wonder, is the nature of that work? And what has changed as a result of that work?
Doing my work means engaging in deep personal inquiry and examination. I have learned methods for challenging how I think, feel, and react in life. I see the flaws in the beliefs that drive how I show up in the world. Challenging those beliefs enough to set them aside influences my every thought, emotion, and action.
You could have told me that I was responsible for how I experienced my life 25 years ago and I would have agreed. "Yes, yes, yes. I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, choices, and reactions."
I knew this intellectually. But when triggered; when something happened on the outside that activated suffering on the inside, my reactions indicated that I didn’t really believe it and I didn't really know HOW to be responsible for my own experiences.
Fortunately, thanks to the inner work I have done, I now know how to take responsibility. Relationships can be great until there is a breakdown. What happens next can make or break the relationship. Here is some of what I have learned about how to show up and give my relationships a chance to work.
How to repair a relationship breakdown
Recognize that you just externalized an internal discomfort.
Acknowledge the breakdown your reaction caused.
Rather than assuming you know how the other person was impacted, ask them.
Listen and reflect what you hear until the other feels understood by you.
Offer an authentic apology for the impact on your partner.
Make an offer of repairs or amends.
Recommit to the health of the relationship.
For an expanded version of these seven steps to repair, please scroll to the bottom of this page and sign up using the form ‘Download '7 Steps to Relationship Repair'.
