Recovery of the Authentic Self: The Manual We Inherited

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Have you ever felt like you were living by rules you never chose, trying to meet expectations that don’t quite fit who you really are? Most of us were handed an “owner’s manual” early in life - a set of beliefs and strategies taught by our families and communities about what’s right, what’s safe, and how to earn love and acceptance. But over time, those instructions can leave us confused about who we truly are. This series, Recovery of the Authentic Self, explores how that confusion happens - and how we can find our way back to the clarity and freedom of living as our authentic selves.

The Manual

Wouldn’t it be great if we had an owner’s manual with a troubleshooting guide for life? And what if, when things weren’t working in our lives, we could just pull the manual out and understand what to do to get things working again?

Like most manuals, it would start with warnings such as, “Do not attempt to breathe under water,” or “For optimal functionality, power down for at least seven of every twenty-four hours.”

In fact, each of us does have a personal manual. It is written into us during our early years, shaped by the families and communities we grew up in. The manual even has a troubleshooting guide: when things go wrong, we ask ourselves, “What happened? What went wrong?” And rest assured, there will always be at least one answer. It may not be accurate, but there will be an answer.

Our families and communities teach us what is important, what is safe, what is right, and what is valuable. They show us how to operate in the world; how to live our lives. We are warned about what is dangerous and what is wrong. We learn how to act in ways that avoid rejection, criticism, and punishment, and how to earn approval, acceptance, and love.

The Dilemma

But families and communities don’t always agree about these things. What earns approval in one family may invite criticism in another. What brings comfort in one household may trigger fear or shame in another.

The way our families respond to life’s challenges silently writes the rules we live by. When Dad loses his job, how does Mom react? Does she shame him? Withdraw? Support him? Do they collaborate? Or fight?

When Mom’s mother is diagnosed with cancer, how does Dad respond? Does he step up to help, or does he complain about the attention she’s giving elsewhere?

And how does the family communicate when life takes an unexpected turn? Are issues discussed openly, or are there secrets and taboos? Is it safe to admit mistakes? Does everyone in the family feel seen, known, and appreciated?

As children, we assume what is true in our home is true everywhere. But as we grow and interact with others, we realize that different families live by different rules. This creates a dilemma: if we are right, then others must be wrong. The clash of belief systems can lead to disconnection - both from others and, over time, from ourselves.

The Power of Belief

We perceive what happens in the world through a lens formed by our early manual. This lens doesn’t see the truth; it sees what we came to believe is true.

But believing something doesn’t make it true. And as one teacher of mine, Byron Katie, puts it: “Anytime we argue with reality, we suffer - but only 100% of the time.”

Suffering is the consequence of our confusion. Our beliefs shape our thoughts, our thoughts shape our feelings, and our feelings drive our actions. When our beliefs are misaligned with reality, we suffer. And most of us don’t suffer well - because we weren’t designed for suffering. We were designed for joy.

What saved us as children can sabotage us as adults.

Adaptations (Strategies)

Within the same family, children develop different strategies to survive and thrive. One may adapt by pleasing, another by achieving, another by withdrawing. These adaptations work in childhood but often clash in adult relationships.

For example, a child who stayed quiet to avoid conflict may grow into an adult afraid to speak up at work. Or a child who learned to achieve for approval may become an adult who can’t rest without feeling guilty.

As adults, many of these old strategies become maladaptations. They once protected us; now they limit us.

The New Manual

Beyond the clash of belief systems is reality itself. Years ago, I learned this truth from Byron Katie: “Reality is the truth. Anytime I argue with reality, I suffer.”

Beliefs are not the truth. They are our best guesses - conclusions we’ve drawn from our experiences. And when they are inaccurate, we suffer.

The good news is that when we loosen our grip on old beliefs and allow reality to guide us instead, suffering eases. That leaves us with more energy, more joy, and access to an inner guidance system that operates with wisdom, curiosity, and compassion.

The Recovery Journey

What if life could be different? What if you didn’t have to manage your suffering so much? What if fear, worry, resentment, shame, and hurt didn’t run your life?

For years, I thought recovery meant fixing myself - from alcohol, nicotine, or what I believed were my defects and shortcomings. I thought I had to go to war with myself to become “good.”

But I’ve learned that what I was recovering from wasn’t my badness. It was my adaptations - the strategies I used to survive a belief system that left me disconnected from myself and others.

Recovery, I discovered, is about remembering. Remembering who I am and have always been, despite all I’ve done and all I’ve failed to do. Recovery means living more as my authentic Self, and less as who I am afraid I am, or who I think I have to be.

What’s Next

It is my intention to write several articles about what it takes to recover the true, authentic Self. If you’re interested in this conversation, stay tuned. Subscribe to my newsletter if you haven’t already.

In the next article, we’ll look at how these old manuals show up in daily life - and how to recognize the false identities we’ve been carrying.

Bill Tierney

Bill Tierney has been helping people make changes in their lives since 1984 when participating in a 12-step program. He began to think of himself as a coach in 2011 when someone he was helping insisted on paying him his guidance. With careers in retail grocery, property and casualty insurance, car sales, real estate and mortgage, Bill brings a unique perspective to coaching. Clean and sober since 1982, Bill was introduced to the Internal Family Systems model in 2016. His experience in Internal Family Systems therapy (www.IFS-Institute.com) inspired him to become a Certified IFS Practitioner in 2021. He created the IFS-inspired Self-Led Results coaching program which he uses to help his clients achieve lasting results. Bill and his wife Kathy have five adult children, ten grandchildren, and two great grandchildren. They live in Liberty Lake Washington where they both work from home. Bill’s website is www.BillTierneyCoaching.com.

https://www.BillTierneyCoaching.com
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