From Stuck to Empowered: My Journey of Mindset Transformation

At age 45, I felt completely stuck and miserable. Nothing was going right, and I had lost hope that things ever would. My life felt like a personal hell. Despite being sober and clean for 18 years, I struggled with relationships, parenting, money, self-esteem, faith, judgment, and, above all, fear. My self-worth depended entirely on external validation—my career, income, and others’ opinions. Recently divorced and floundering in a new career, I felt powerless, lost, and confused.

The Trap of Blame

I desperately wanted relief from suffering. I blamed myself, the economy, coworkers, neighbors, and my ex-wife. Blame was my attempt at finding comfort, but it only deepened my misery. Surprisingly, alcohol was never a consideration. Instead, I tried returning to my 12-step program and starting meditation but found both inadequate at the time.

A Turning Point

In 2002, a friend and I attended a Byron Katie event in Seattle. This was a profound turning point. Katie’s method, known as "The Work," ignited something transformative within me. I realized I unquestioningly believed my thoughts and reacted as if they were reality. No wonder I felt so out of control—so victimized by life.

Stories and Judgments: The True Causes of Suffering

Initially resistant, I began recognizing that my misery wasn’t caused by external circumstances but by my stories and judgments about those circumstances. Becoming aware of my automatic thoughts was a slow, challenging process. But once I started questioning them, I discovered that my suffering diminished dramatically.

Beyond Positive Thinking: Embracing a Growth Mindset

I had always scorned positive thinking as insincere. I prided myself on being authentic, even if miserable. But questioning my thoughts revealed something deeper: genuine positivity naturally emerges when you stop believing limiting stories. It was not about masking negativity—it was about understanding reality clearly.

Accepting Responsibility: Gaining True Power

By viewing suffering as a cue to examine my thoughts, I began taking genuine responsibility. Accepting responsibility for my feelings, actions, and outcomes gave me incredible power after years of feeling victimized. This shift wasn’t immediate or linear. I still sometimes feel victimized, fearful, or stuck, but these moments are increasingly brief.

Integrating "The Work" with Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Years later, therapy introduced me to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. Combining Byron Katie’s method with IFS profoundly enhanced my growth. I realized that when I believed painful thoughts, I was blending with parts of myself that carried limiting beliefs. Questioning thoughts through IFS allowed me to compassionately unblend from these parts, creating lasting transformation.

The Ongoing Journey

Personal development began for me at age 27, starting with a 12-step program. Each subsequent experience—from Landmark Education and Bioenergetics Therapy to Byron Katie and IFS—has played a vital role in my gradual transformation. Despite many moments of feeling stuck, each step contributed to my recovery and liberation.

Today, life isn’t perfect, but it’s no longer hell. I barely recognize the person I once was. I genuinely love who I am, cherish what I have, and appreciate my life deeply. We each have our path, and no matter how stuck we feel, taking the next step forward always moves us closer to freedom.