Breaking the Cycle

How to Stop Repeating Past Patterns and Finally Get Results

What is preventing you from already having the result you desire? You may have some working theories about this that point to circumstances and conditions out of your control. Or maybe you have decided that you just aren’t the kind of person that can have the kind of life you want.

What if the reason you don’t already have the result you desire is that you are locked into a cycle that makes it impossible to have that result?

Cycles of unworkability are generated and perpetuated by maladaptations - strategies that have outlived their usefulness.

Buggy Whips

Imagine working in a buggy whip factory at the turn of the 20th century. The company you work for manufactures the finest leather buggy whips in a variety of styles and lengths. Sales are through the roof and the company you work for can’t keep up with demand. You’re proud of the work you do and take great pleasure in seeing buggy and wagon drivers using the buggy whips you made.

But then, Henry Ford begins to mass-produce buggies that don’t need horses. The Model T replaces the horse-drawn carriage practically overnight. The demand for buggy whips drops to practically nothing. The products you manufacture are no longer needed.

The factory can no longer afford to continue to manufacture buggy whips and soon goes out of business. Most of your peers go to work for Henry Ford. But you refuse to let go. You and some like-minded co-workers break into the shuttered factory and continue doing your jobs even though it no longer makes sense to do so.

There’s no paycheck, no appreciation for your fine work, no need for your products. But it’s all you know how to do, so you persevere because it’s all you know how to do and can’t imagine doing anything else.

What if, as this story illustrates, your mind was locked in the past? What if, no matter what changed in the world, your perspective remained fixed? What if, for you, every day was Groundhog Day?

The Allegory of Plato’s Cave

Automatic reactions, born from circumstances that no longer exist, blind us to current reality. We are like the people watching the shadows cast on the wall by the fire blazing behind them in Plato’s Cave.

In the allegory "The Cave", Plato describes a group of people who have lived chained to the wall of a cave all their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall from objects passing in front of a fire behind them and give names to these shadows. Trying to get them to see reality is futile. The men in Plato’s Cave will only accept current reality when they see it for themselves. (Wikipedia)

Something happens in the external world and we react from an unconscious past-based perspective. We experience body sensations, impulses, thoughts and emotions that, many times, don’t make a lot of sense given current circumstances. We speak and act under the influence of outdated adaptations and strategies.

An Example

Larry is a group coaching client.

Jorey and Larry are in a committed relationship. The honeymoon has been over for a few years now and neither can remember why the other seemed like such a catch. They both want intimacy and connection and blame the other for the distance between them.

Larry wants to feel connected with Jorey. He wants to enjoy a satisfying intimate relationship with her. The problem he needs to solve is disconnection with her.

Larry describesd a situation which illustrates his frustration.

“This morning, after Jorey and I argued last night, I got up early. I couldn’t sleep. When I heard Jorey moving around in the bedroom, I started putting together a nice breakfast. I know food is Jorey’s love language and thought this would be a great way to make up with her. But when Jorey came out of the bedroom, she was dressed for work. She wouldn’t even look at me. She ignored the breakfast I had prepared, grabbed a cup of coffee, said she didn’t have time to eat, and left for the day.”

As Larry told this story, he began to feel upset again. Although he and Jorey were on speaking terms by the time he showed up for the group coaching session, nothing had really been settled. Larry was in the habit of silently blaming Jorey when things weren’t going well, and held a grudge until Jorey showed some kindness.

Of course, this rarely happened. Jorey usually felt wronged and was too upset to be willing to try to make things right.

Both Jorey and Larry were stuck in cycles that prevented them from getting what they wanted. But there was hope. If one of them could break out of the cycle that produced unhappy results, their relationship could improve immediately.

The Unworkable Cycle

Larry and I detailed the stages of the cycle he was stuck in.

1.       Jorey and I argue about something

2.       I can’t sleep

3.       I worry about Jorey leaving me

4.       I do something to get her to like me again

5.       She ignores me and refuses to talk with me

6.       I try to give her space

7.       Eventually I blow up at her

8.       She withdraws even more

9.       I chase her and apologize, taking full responsibility for our conflict

10.   She finally softens and we make up until we argue again

When Larry explored more deeply, he discovered parts of himself that influenced his thoughts, feelings, and actions in each stage of the cycle. He realized that these parts were long overdue for an update.

Updates

Using the IFS model, I helped Larry update his parts and enroll them in his new vision; to feel connected with his partner and to enjoy a satisfying intimate relationship with her.

Once updated, most of his parts were relieved to learn that Larry is older than they thought and is no longer suffering or powerless like he was when he was younger.

Larry continued to pay attention to the old cycle and when he recognized he was back in it, he paused and spent time addressing the concerns and needs of his parts.

Parts of Larry have been in the habit of protecting him from the pain of his childhood. As Larry recognizes this and updates those parts, they begin to relax. This relaxing makes it possible for Larry to access innate resources that are needed in his partnership with Jorey. Now, even when Jorey is upset or says something hurtful, Larry is less reactive.

Instead, he recognizes that Jorey is struggling and from love, he offers support. He can now listen to understand rather than listening to fix her or get her to see things his way.

Thanks to the updates, Larry can now show up as his wise, adult Self. He is fully resourced and less reactive in his relationship with Jorey. The result has been greater intimacy and connection.