Solving the Nice Guy Problem
Photo by Domen Mirtič DolenecIn a recent Nice Guy Workshop, I asked the men who attended what they wanted in relationships. The list was long. I opened a document, shared my screen, and typed their answers.
What the nice guy wants
Their answers included trust, companionship, equal partnership, respect, appreciation, connection, fun, intimacy, freedom, and love.
What they do to get what they want
I asked them what they do to get what they want in relationships. These nice guys focus on their partners’ needs, wants, and preferences and try to make them happy. They try to be thoughtful and nice. They hope their partners will recognize and appreciate their efforts to please them. And they hope their partners will reciprocate.
If they can just make their partners happy, they can get the love and appreciation they crave.
It doesn’t work
Partners of nice guys sense the inauthentic nature of nice guy strategies and feel manipulated. Nice guys act nice but acting nice and being nice are quite different. Acting nice is still acting. Nice Guy partners want the same things nice guys want. They too want trust, companionship, equal partnership, respect, appreciation, connection, fun, intimacy, freedom, and love.
But none of that is possible unless both partners can be real.
The fallout
Eventually when the strategies of nice guys fail to produce the desired results, nice guys get angry and resentful. They blame themselves, their partners, and their relationships. But they are persistent and redouble their efforts. They continue to find more ways to try to please their partners.
The wound
Deep down inside every nice guy is a hurt little boy who is scared their partner will figure out that they don’t deserve to be loved. Nice guy strategies are born out of a desperate desire to hide this secret. Nice guys don’t know how to get real and fear that if they do, everyone will see what is true about them – that they are simply unlovable.
Early in the life of a nice guy, love was absent or withdrawn. A betrayal, a slight, an abandonment, a shaming, or a rejection wounded the boy. The wound remained unhealed and continued to fester as the boy became a man who found ways to guard against being hurt again. Some men become bullies and perpetrators to manage their unhealed wounds. Others become nice.
The secret must be told
As the boy becomes a man, the strategies he develops to protect the wound prevent it from being healed. To heal the wound of the nice guy, the secret must be told.
Solving the nice guy problem
When the men in my workshop saw that they weren’t alone with their nice guy problem, they opened up with me and with each other and began to acknowledge their nice guy struggle. As they identified with each other, they began to solve their nice guy problem.
Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy had the same experience when he told his own story to other nice guys. Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome in a group is powerful because until we know better, we think we are alone with the problem. By telling our secrets to other nice guys, we can heal and recover together.
As a trained and certified IFS Practitioner, I use the IFS model with my nice guy clients to help them heal their wounds and learn how to be real in all their relationships.
To learn more about how IFS can help solve the nice guy problem, click here.
